I came here to learn and practice how to be still. And for a person made up almost entirely of characteristics that you would use to describe the wind, this experience is bound to be interesting, a challenge, to say the very least.
In one of my earliest memories, I sit cross-legged in the middle of my tiny bedroom staring dreamily, off beyond the blue wallpapered walls, into the vast realm of my dreams and fantasies. I'd sit there feeling heavy as my mind weightless traveled outside the room freely, excited, entertained. I did this so often that I'm sure it made my mother concerned. "Sarah", she'd say, "if you don't get dressed now you're going to school in those pajamas." *Note: This day inevitably came and was one of the best days of kindergarten ever.
I'm not sure when it happened or how the change occurred but I grew into someone who has an insatiable drive to move. Even while writing this, I've gotten up twice to pee, cooked breakfast, did the laundry, and am actively fighting the urge to check my phone. I move, I create, I destroy, I change, I fear, I say "fuck it", a lot. I've built two businesses stemming from two careers. And somewhere along the way I thought starting a smoothie bowl company was a good idea. Long story short, it was not. Of the two businesses I have grown and loved, I find myself closing the doors to one as I currently work to evolve the other. Oh, AND I'm starting a health and wellness company with one of my dearest friends. Perfect time for two and a half weeks away right? Yes, I believe it is.
I came all the way from Chicago, Illinois to Durango, Colorado to be still. Isn't that a bit nuts? I had to leave my home, my sanctuary, my nest, to be still. Looking back I guess I knew it'd be too much, the pull, the draw to do, too strong. So I made time, the universe provided the opportunity (well really Patti and David did, thank you for welcoming me into your home), and here I came, at the time not really knowing why I'd come. People asked, "Two and a half weeks, why?", "I don't know", I'd say. Truth, no lies. But now that I'm here, sitting still, as the urge to move, to think, to do settles in, clear as day, I know why.
Sometimes I choose to slow down but my system, used to the speed, resists. My ego says, "Move! You'll miss something!" My mind tells me I'm wasting my time, "You're letting an opportunity go by!" The voices of the sposdas, the shoulds, the coulds grow louder and soon the beauty of the silence is obscured. When the system says, "Go!" and my entire being says, "Slow", the comfiest chair, the softest blanket, the warmest sunshine on my face cannot provide peace, when peace is what I seek. I am here to practice stillness because I realize now that it is in these moments, when I want to go slow, that sometimes I just can't. And just as I need a skill set to keep going, I too need the skills to slow down.
Over the next two and a half weeks I will take this challenge as an opportunity. I'll muck it up I'm sure, I mean just to be honest, I'm planning to go to the local brewery to meet up with old friends here in a few hours (a hummingbird can stay still for only so long). But, I will not declare defeat, as failure is a teacher as wise as success. I will observe when I return to movement and likewise when I find discomfort in what is still. I will remind myself of the reason I want to learn how to be still, that I seek peace from within, and at the end of day it really comes down to me. And when I am truly rooted, present, like the little girl staring off out beyond the blue wallpapered walls, I hope to know in that moment that I have everything I need, my shoulds, my coulds, not obscuring the truth that without movement, achievement, or doing, that by simply being, I already have everything I need.
More or less to come.